Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
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Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My life in a nutshell
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”