My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Yup.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.