*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”