Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Easy enough.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.