Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Hell yeah 👍
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..