Pikachu found the lost joint
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?