When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
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[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
How does one answer this?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
same vibe as tangled headphones
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.