“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me