ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
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[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”