need a new bf mines broken 😐
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails