[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
You Might Also Like
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground