You Might Also Like
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’