who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
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I need to update my racial profile.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.