“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*updates tinder bio*
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.