Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
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the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk