If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
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Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead