in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
You Might Also Like
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?