Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.