My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
How can I say no to this ?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.