Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper