If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Worth remembering.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Lmao
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”