TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I identify as an antique shop.