[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
me linking you to my twitter
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
.. do you even science?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.