Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
blocked.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”