When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
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closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first