coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
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I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”