[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.