Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842