Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.