You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
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Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Matt Goss
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases