Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
You Might Also Like
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that