so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
You Might Also Like
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
These aren’t even hard anymore.