The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak