Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
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I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”