My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
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Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.