Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Monday
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
This squirrel eats better than I do
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.