We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Waiting for the Charmin
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day