My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.