Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me