“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
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The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages