Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
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Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?