I’m crying im so happy for them
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I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Received some very disappointing news today
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
what could possibly go wrong?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.