People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.