You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
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All generalizations are stupid.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣