*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
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Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!