I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
A short story about romance.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans