Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
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not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i鈥檓 ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware鈥檚 governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
That’s incredible! 馃憣
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she鈥檇 turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST