I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
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These are too funny not to post 😂
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Sheep
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me