I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
oh shit
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.