To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.